Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]