Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
normalize having existential bread
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?