If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’