*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.