[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
This meal prepping shit is easy
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.