Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project