I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
The happy life.. 😊
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
relationship goals