I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy