If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting