Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
me adding lol on a serious message
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.