Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant