Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
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I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Mad Max: Furry Road
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.