Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
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Twitter remains undefeated
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Ha
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*