We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
You Might Also Like
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”