Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
The answer is funnier than the question
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all