I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
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The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Incredible customer service.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”