What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
You Might Also Like
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
it must be school picture day
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
why would tinder want me to say this
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.