911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
seems fine
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.