me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Kidney stones? Hard pass
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this