“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.