‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.