Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
This could be us but you eatin’
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
😎 🍻
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]