[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
😂😂😂
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off