Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I’m crying im so happy for them
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.