him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.