Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.