I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.