One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I just ran a .003048K
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM