[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
You Might Also Like
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?