GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.