I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
CRYING
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap