Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.