“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Best spoiler warning ever
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Finally! 😈
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me