I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
🔦🌙👣
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win