*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
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every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?