If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
How to draw a duck
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Imma just leave this here…………
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips