[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
You Might Also Like
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I’m having an out of money experience.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*