If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
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Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.