Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
You Might Also Like
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs