Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
They did not think through this water fountain
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.