My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
getting old is fun
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes