Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I want what they have
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Important reminders
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.