Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
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*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
nature’s most graceful animal
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt