Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.