i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Best table by far
Coffee is ready.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.