Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
You Might Also Like
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.