Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Today’s Times
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
rapatouille
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊