I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.