heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
“Sheer Arrogance”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️