As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
You Might Also Like
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
necessity is the mother of invention
Cats (2019)
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd